AN OPEN LETTER TO THE AMERICAN IDOL PRODUCERS

Here's a letter by Jenni Jac, who voice clearly echos many viewers feelings about American Idol (what's left of them) who's votes apparently mean nothing - that's according to the show's producers, judges, and associates. Be careful, big shots, karma works in mysterious ways and soon, very soon, the show, and all those associated with it, will go the way of 'My Mother The Car', filed under 'Irrelevant TV Shows'....

"Dear producers of American Idol, Idol Judges, and Idol Associates,

Lately our heart has grown heavy and filled with remorse. We realize now that we have carelessly thrust a mountain of angst upon you. We, the American voting public have caused a wound that seems to have festered even more over the passage of time, and for that we are deeply sorry. As valiantly as you may try to tuck it away, the inner torment seems to be eating away at you. It seems you can no longer hold it in, as you repeatedly cry out: "The Idol voters made a mistake!! Why did they ever vote Taylor Hicks the American idol, why? why?!!!" Oh my God, what have we done?

After hearing your repeated and united cries of injustice, it is finally beginning to sink in. What were we thinking? We allowed a man with a unique voice, charisma, and stage presence to steal the crown away from other contestants with more marketable genres. I mean, Ray Charles, Otis Redding and Sam Cooke are so-o-o 1960s. That crap will never make it onto top 40 radio in the 21st century. To make things even worse, that ungrateful bastard Hicks decides to shun your generous management offer, cutting you out of a big chunk of revenue. I mean really, what is so wrong with a 40% management fee, or even more? You made him, right? We totally understand why you can barely bring yourself to show his picture or mention his name on the show anymore, what with all the financial and emotional damage he has caused.

So yes, we are deeply sorry and ready to atone. With our experience and hindsight, we can tell you how to avoid a travesty such as this in the future:

1. Screen your prospects carefully. Avoid throwback styles altogether. Their musical knowledge should be limited. If they know more about music than Simon Cowell, it will reflect badly on the show. "Empty Vessel" is the operative term here.

2. Avoid picking contestants that use terms such as "vision", "dues", or especially "songwriting". Believe me, they will cause you nothing but heartache in the future.

3. Once you have your contestants chosen, outfit them all with burkas, so they will be completely covered from head to toe. Next, strap them to a chair. This will eliminate any possibility of voters being swayed by attractiveness/unattractiveness, fashion sense, dance moves, smiles, smirks, facial tics or gestures that could either endear or alienate them to the voters. Just to be safe, put them in their burkas behind a screen and show them in silhouette. You really can't be too careful.

4. Pick one song each week and make every contestant sing it. Ignore their pleas for different arrangements. There is good reason for this. If their own song choice or arrangement goes over well, it will only embolden them to demand more artistic creativity when it comes time to cut that record. That can be such a pain.

5. After each performance, instruct Ryan to ask questions that can be easily answered with either "yes", "no", or "maybe". Place these words in a board and give the contestant a laser pointer to pick the appropriate response. This will bypass the personality factor altogether which is not required for a top 40 hit, so don't be tempted. The "No Speak" tactic will also thwart attempts to mobilize or define any fanbase. That just gets messy.

6. Do not allow them to hold up fingers reminding the voters what number they need to vote for. No reason for this other than it continues to annoy us. You could consider allowing them to stomp their number out on the floor like one of those math horses, but that option is strictly up to you.

7. IMPORTANT: You will need to put a crawler at the bottom of the screen to continuously remind voters that they are voting for contestants who will sell the most records, instead of the ones you actually want to see perform again next week.

Well, I hope we have been helpful. Sorry again about the Taylor thing, I'm sure it won't happen again."